When Autumn LaVarta was born, he cried hysterically. He wailed and wailed. He screamed at the top of his tiny, not-yet-fully-formed lungs. He cried so hard, he turned pink.
Now you might be thinking, "Big deal! Most babies cry when they're born!" But Autumn did not cry for the usual reasons. He was not cold. He was not confused. He was distraught because he wanted to dance, and yet he had no rhythm, no coordination, no dance shoes! He knew that it would be a year at least before he would be able to stand, and even then, he would not be tall enough to reach the radio, and even if he could reach it, he would not have the fine motor skills required to turn the knob to a station playing swing music.
Oh, why must he be a swing dancer trapped in a baby's tiny, ineffectual body?
And so he bawled day and night, night and day, and his parents slept not a wink. But in the brief moments between crying and drooling and peeing and pooping, six-pound Autumn hatched a plan. Yes, on his thirty-third birthday, when he was big and tall and had complete control over his bodily functions, he would open the doors to his Friday Night Swing party to the people and let them dance the night away at no cost to themselves! Yes, they would enjoy the swinging tunes of guest deejays Mike "Moondog" Quebec and Sarah "Webbed Fingers" Quan, both of whom will also be full-sized adults, and whose fine motor skills will allow them to freely manipulate the music machine!
But baby Autumn did not stop there. He determined, gripping his Sesame Street blankie in his tiny fists and shaking it relentlessly, that the people would not only enjoy free admission, popping tunes, incredible dancing, and the company of friends both new and old, but also pumpkin pie! There would be no stopping him, and as he took comfort in this knowledge, he caught his breath and ceased crying. But then he realized he was cold and hungry and had wet his diaper, and the wailing began anew.
Please join us this Friday night for the realization of baby Autumn's plan, hatched thirty-three years ago today!