Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Lucas: Celebrating Three Decades of Awesome

According to elders in the ancient Mayan civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, Lucas' thirtieth birthday -- mid-September 2008 -- holds great significance for all of creation.

The Maya believed in a 26,000-year cycle composed of five sub-cycles and one red bicycle. Each of the five sub-cycles lasts 5,125 years and is considered to be its own World Age. The bicycle consists of a frame, handlebars, two wheels, and a banana seat. Sometimes called "The Time of Great Purification" or "The Shift of the Ages," our present cycle (3109 B.C. - 2008 A.D.) culminates on Lucas' thirtieth birthday.

"This makes Lucas a sort of religious icon," one woman told reporters late Wednesday. "Get out your galoshes and non-perishables -- the end of the world is nigh!"

Not so, according to Buford P. Snible, professor of something at Cut-Rate University. "Lucas' thirtieth birthday does not mark the End Times. Rather, it is on this date that one great cycle of Earth transitions to the next."

Total malarky? Pure pointlessness? A mountain of hogwash the likes of which the world has never seen? Perhaps. Will there be cake and a birthday jam, or will a plague of locusts descend upon lindy hoppers as they boogie to "Ain't That Love"? You'll have to come to Friday Night Swing to find out just what, exactly, Lucas' birthday has in store for civilization as we know it.