Monday, June 23, 2008

Friday Night Swing Wins National Award

Not a single jaw dropped in the entire auditorium when Friday Night Swing was announced the winner of a prestigious national award for excellence and outstanding superiority. The ceremony, hosted by Al Pacino (Any Given Sunday, Devil's Advocate), was held at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco's Presidio.

"The nominees," said presenter George Lopez to an audience that included Brad Pitt, shamed New York governor Eliot Spitzer, and the ghost of King Lear, "are Silly Putty, Pixar films, carbohydrates, Friday Night Swing, and books by George Saunders." Lopez opened the envelope and feigned a look of surprise. "The winner is Friday Night Swing!"

Autumn LaVarta, who attended with an adoring Jessica Alba, accepted the award on his own behalf, saying, "I knew Friday Night Swing was better than Silly Putty -- but better than carbs? I'm humbled. Thank you to everyone who makes Friday Night Swing possible, which is mostly me!"

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Jane Turns 30, Reveals Secret Past

For many people, turning 30 is a time to reconcile with one's past and make plans for the future. This milestone birthday has been known to cause people to make jaw-dropping confessions to their loved ones -- secrets ranging from being an FBI agent trapped in the body of a postal worker to having a meth lab in the basement. But no 30th-birthday confession has ever been as shocking as the one to which you are about to bear witness.

Yes, after plumbing the depths of her soul, Jane has confessed to being one of the original cast members of TV's long-running sitcom The Brady Bunch.

Few people know that there was never intended to be a "Greg Brady." The original eldest son of Mike Brady was not a son at all -- she was a daughter named Greta, played by our very own Jane. According to scripts obtained from a high-security vault, the lyrics to the second verse of the infamous theme song originally went like this: It's the story of a man named Brady who was busy with three kids of his own. They were three men and a little lady, but they were all alone.

After just one episode -- in which Jane's character Greta is kicked out of a ballet recital for being too clumsy and then takes up tap dancing, only to annoy her whole family while practicing her new tap moves at home -- the creator, Sherwood Schwartz, determined that Jane was "far too modern" for the show, and that she seemed to have "come from the future." He tore up her contract and hired Barry Williams to take her place -- not as Greta, but as Greg.

"I'm glad this is finally out in the open," Jane told a crowd of onlookers. "Unburdening myself of this double life is my birthday present to myself."

(Please join us in wishing Jane the very happiest of 30th birthdays!)